Remember the Titans is one of my all time favorite movies. It has a strong message about the time period that I won’t ever forget. It has so many notable moments within the movie, while still bringing in comedy. But the quote in the title is the most relatable quote from the movie for me. I realize that not everything has to be related to my own life, particularly since this movie focuses on racism and I am a white girl born in the 90s. Just hear me out though because this quote echoes in my head. I hope you can see where I am going with this at some point. I am not trying to belittle the movie because I really do love the movie and all its messages.
My entire life I was made to feel like perfection was the only option. If I was not the best at what I was doing, it wasn’t good enough. Was this an attempt to be motivational? Maybe. But it wasn’t. All I wanted was for my parents to be proud of me, and nothing ever really seemed to get my father’s attention in the way I needed to be acknowledged. I needed to be perfect to get attention, and at this point in my life I don’t even think that would have done it. I strove for perfection anyway.
When I played softball my teams would lose constantly. I was never on a winning team. I was pretty decent at batting practice though. I would absolutely slay while I was in the batting cage. When I got out to the plate though. I remember a time where my father made me a deal after I hit my first double. He said he would give me twenty dollars if I hit another double, some amount for a triple, and then something like one hundred dollars for a home run. I started getting hits left and right. Never did hit a triple or a home run though and instead of getting recognition for what I did do, it got pointed out what I didn’t do. It wasn’t perfect. So I tried harder. Still never achieved perfect. Then I finally quit softball.
I swam my whole life. Again, I was pretty good at it. I remember when I broke a school record though I was told that I could have gone faster. When I re-broke the record I was told that I didn’t throw up so I could have gone faster. When I got personal records but didn’t place, it got brushed off and barely acknowledged.
I did my first triathlon and when I got to the turnaround point on the bike I fell and jammed my thumb. I wasn’t more than 12 years old. Instead of being commended for getting up and finishing in my search to reach perfection, I got chastised for falling. I tried time and time again to have the perfect triathlon, but there was always something. There was always some reason that it wasn’t good enough. I would get crumbs of compliments here and there. There was always a “but” though. It just wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough.
As you can imagine I put myself through the same stress in the academic world trying to find that recognition. Still, it was never good enough. It wasn’t perfect and so it wasn’t good enough. If I got an A-, it could have been an A. God forbid I get a C or lower. By my senior year I was burnt out. With sports. With school. With everything. But I had to keep trying to get some appreciation. I needed him to be proud of me. I got accepted to CGAS and you can imagine the reaction when I failed out.
Even into adulthood I have strived for perfection in every aspect of the game. I joined the Coast Guard, got married, had kids, bought a house young, got promoted, and so much more. None of it has ever been done perfectly though. I can’t even be the perfect mother. My house isn’t spotless. I didn’t have the amount of hands to finish my bathroom remodel with the kids around. I painted my room wrong. I did a crappy job painting the kid’s rooms. I put my kid in speech therapy. I took my kid out of speech therapy. My kids don’t know how to pronounce every single word and they say “yeah” instead of “yes”. My kids draw on walls sometimes. My stove is dirty. My youngest still sleeps in my bed. I didn’t give Mark a pacifier and that was wrong. I did give Rose a pacifier and that was wrong. I breastfed Joey for longer than a month and that was wrong.
He doesn’t even acknowledge that I have a 4.0 GPA and am almost done with my requirements to meet Honors Program Distinction. I have even made the President’s List 4 times out of 4 semesters now. But that doesn’t matter.
I frantically clean my house any time I know my dad is coming because I am trying to get everything as perfect as I can so he has something good to say. I am always met with the negative though. The one corner I missed. The one piece of trash on the floor. The marker that I couldn’t get off the wall. The nails in my living room that we hang our stockings on. The grass. The bushes. The weeds. The deck. The pool. The patio. The smallest tiny little thing is what gets pointed out.
I have been criticized and chastised every single step of the way when all I really wanted was for my daddy to say “I’m proud of you”.
To be honest I could go on and on because this is why I am probably so anxious all the time.
Why am I striving for something that is impossible though? He will never say he is proud of me. That is something he needs to work through with himself. Perfection is just not feasible. Perfection is not reachable. I will never be perfect. If that means he will never be proud of me than so be it. We will not be perfect in every aspect of the game. We will never be perfect in any aspect of the game.
I am a good mom. I am a good student. I am a good wife. I am good at so many things. And that’s enough. I may not be perfect in every aspect of the game, but I am good enough.