I was supposed to be expecting a baby any day now. I was supposed to have a newborn for the holidays. I was supposed at home preparing for a brand new baby to make its entrance into our family.
I am pregnant and in the third trimester with a healthy baby, but it doesn’t take away the pain of knowing where I was supposed to be at. I’ve had to come to terms with a lot about my childhood and past lately and then I sit down and the thoughts come rushing in.
To be honest I have been doing probably the worst I have ever been mentally. I am so incredibly unhappy with my job. I have had suicidal thoughts, intense depression, and the only thing keeping me here is knowing that I have this blessing in my belly, three beautiful happy kids, and a husband that need me. I could never leave them dealing with the aftermath of me making a permanent decision, seeing me in a casket. I think about them and snap right out of it because I know they need me.
The thing is. I have been blocking out my past for so long that I actually convinced myself that I was fine. I convinced myself that my life has been the most normal. I was so busy being the rock for everyone else. Keeping it together for everyone else. That I never let myself deal with my shit and get help for the things I actually needed help with. There is so much floating around in this head that has happened that if anyone knows about it, it’s Joe. There are plenty of things I’ve gone through that I haven’t even let myself remember.
Recently though, I have been going through it. Now I know that I brought some it onto myself too. I’m commuting 1.5 hours each way to get to work because I stupidly put this fucking station on my list just in case. I didn’t think I would have ended up there though. I was told that if I put in for an extension I would MOST LIKELY get it. I thought worst case scenario I would get orders to a boat in Virginia and it would make sense to uproot my whole family. I would at least get sea time and be able to test to get out of there. Here we are though.
Then being on duty for three days straight was brutal for Joe. He was struggling just to keep himself afloat and there was nothing I could do. I was panicking thinking that I would come home and he would be hurt or worse because I wasn’t there to keep him grounded. Dealing with that constantly takes a toll on you mentally. I started feeling no desire to do anything. I was constantly anxious. I couldn’t turn off the thoughts. Then Joey broke his wrist.
I have been trying to find solutions and ways to get out of this unit before having kids doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to keep living. I just can’t deal with it. The more stressed I am about work, the more past trauma I remember. The more past trauma I remember the more anxious and stressed I am about going to work. And they don’t care. “This is the military. They are orders not requests” “You could have been on an 87 out of Washington” “This isn’t that bad” and of course CMC (WHOSE WHOLE JOB IS TO HELP PEOPLE WHEN COMMANDS WON’T) says “I’m impressed with your command’s flexibility while losing a duty watch stander”. Wow. Thanks. That’s so helpful to say to someone who wants to die.
That’s beside the point though. It doesn’t matter. I am the only one that can help me now. Yet I don’t know how to do that.
Back to what I was saying. I keep remembering past trauma. Now this past trauma is adding to the already existing stress. Then I remember that I’m supposed to be at home preparing for a baby right now and I get more depressed. You see where I’m going with this? I am in a never ending cycle of thoughts that just make me more depressed and anxious.
But there’s always tomorrow. That’s what they tell me. They tell me that you “can’t carry that negativity with you all the time” “be happy about what you have”. I’m trying. I feel guilty that I can’t just be happy with what I have while I relive the worst moments of my life. I’m sorry that I can’t get it together and be Joe Coastie. I would like to know why I am struggling so much so I can tell people what I need in order to help me. But I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much. I don’t know why the weight of the world feels so heavy right now. The fact of the matter is that I am not Joe Coastie. I can’t just deal with it like everyone wants me to. I have 28 years of life falling down on me while I try and keep it together for my family.
I don’t want to be in the Coast Guard anymore after remembering all the shit that has happened in the Coast Guard alone. I don’t want to do this anymore because no one actually cares or wants to help. But how do I stop? How do I unpack all my baggage and say ” I can’t do it. I know I have a fourth kid on the way, a disabled husband with severe mental health issues that he’s working through, and a hefty ass bonus to pay back but I would rather do that and quit than keep being shit on”? How do I do it? How do I fail my family like that? How do I give up on the tiny shred of hope that someone is proud of me for what I’m doing now.
The wild thing to me is that no one notices how absolutely terrible I’m doing. No one even notices how bad it has gotten. It’s not like I’m trying to hide it at all. For God’s sake how many times have I dyed my hair and openly said it’s because I had a mental breakdown. Enough at work that someone should have noticed. Whatever.
Don’t worry about me though. I have therapy on Monday. I’ll get through it like I always do.
If you ever find yourself struggling heavily. Go to 988lifeline.org. They have so many resources on their website to look through and help. They also have a chat feature where you can talk to someone in real time. You can also text or call 988 to talk and for resources. Use what you got. I found it really helpful so far.
Also, just for anyone wondering, the baby is doing great. All fingers, toes, limbs accounted for. Heart rate is good. Brain and heart look good. No issues seen on the blood work or ultrasound. We have our glucose test coming up. The kids are thriving and doing wonderful. They are just living life, waiting for Santa. We just had parent teacher conferences and it looks like Mark is actually going to get help from his teacher for his ADHD. Rose is doing really great in school other than being a perfectionist and being really hard on herself. Joey is still the reigning nudist in our house. And all of the pets are vibing. There is a weird food chain dynamic going on, but Joey is at the top of it so it’s cool. Joe is getting there. He has been talking about a lot at therapy and seems like most days it is really helping. Bad days are still bad, but I’m glad he finally is making breakthroughs in therapy and has a therapist that he meshes with.