First things first, get your mind out of the gutter. The title is funny but that’s not where this is going you dirty-minded little gremlin.
In the past few months, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It’s something that keeps me awake at night. I’ve had several discussions with Joe about it as well. I know what you’re thinking. It’s cake, isn’t it? While cake does in fact keep me up at night thinking about it, that’s not where this is going. I keep thinking about how badly I feel about how I parented Mark and Rose up until Joey was born. I feel embarrassed about how I parented Mark before Rose was born.
I keep thinking that Mark got the short end of the stick. He was the child that took the brunt of all my parenting mistakes. He was the child that I listened to everyone around me about how I “should” be parenting him instead of how I wanted to parent him. I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of people who can relate to listening to others on how to parent and not using your intuition on the choices you want or need to make in your parenting style.
When Mark was born I got told I shouldn’t let him sleep in the bed with me. I got told that I shouldn’t give him a pacifier. I got told that I shouldn’t breastfeed. I shouldn’t give him formula. “When’s he going to get out of the swaddle? He’s not walking yet? He sticks his tongue out a lot are you sure he’s ok? You should be using baby powder every time you change his diaper. He’s fine he doesn’t need to be on soy formula. Oh wow, he spits up an awful lot! He doesn’t have problems with juice you just don’t want him to have it! He can have some sweets it’s fine!” You get the point. Everything I did with him someone had an opinion on and I always catered to their opinions and ignored that gut feeling that it wasn’t the right way for us.
I was quick to get rid of Mark’s pacifier because I was told he shouldn’t have one still. I diligently placed him in his crib every time he fell asleep so he wouldn’t get “spoiled” by holding him too much and so I absolutely would not bedshare with him. I gave up on breastfeeding to give him formula, and after being told he didn’t need soy I tried him back on regular formula, only for him to end up with the shits again. I rushed him out of a swaddle because I was told I should. I tried giving him juice time and time again only to end up covered in vomit with both of us crying while I cleaned it up. I spanked him when he got older because everyone else’s kids “turned out fine”. It all felt wrong to me though. I spent so much time listening to other people that I feel like I failed him. I made so many mistakes.
At the time I didn’t realize I was making so many mistakes. I thought that everyone had to know what was best because they’d been there so I thought I was doing a great job. Looking back now, I failed him.
When we had Rose I let her have her pacifier for over a year. She loved it! It made her happy and comforted her. I started ignoring some of the feedback I received, and those things I ignored felt so right. We stopped spanking. We didn’t care what anyone said and we started Rose out almost immediately on soy formula. I held her while she napped damn near every single chance I got. I swaddled her until she gave us the cues that she didn’t want or need it anymore. I still feel like I failed her though. Like with Mark, I still listened to some advice. She slept in her crib every single night, and we moved her out of our room around 9 months. I let her cry it out and let me tell you that is the worst feeling in the world and I wish I had never taken that advice. It’s terrible advice. It’s outdated and barbaric and my heart sank every time we let Mark and Rose “cry it out”.
When we had Joey I completely ignored the outside voices. These are MY kids and I will parent the way I feel in my gut is the best for us. I breastfed and I supplemented with SOY formula when I needed to give my nipples a break. I breastfeed in public, and I’ve gone a whole year and I’m so incredibly proud of myself because it’s really fucking hard. We gave him a pacifier if he wanted it and didn’t if he didn’t. Instead of forcing him to take a pacifier he didn’t want, we picked him up and soothed him. We are his only source of comfort and that’s perfectly ok. We rocked him to sleep more times than I can even count and it felt right. When he moved out of his bassinet and stopped getting swaddled we moved him into bed with us, and he still sleeps there, and he sleeps like a rock most nights. We stopped yelling at our kids and we started trying to gentle parent.
We did things so differently this time around than the first two and I feel guilty about it. I feel like I let Mark and Rose down. They didn’t get the parents that Joey got right from the start. Why didn’t they get those parents? Why didn’t I just listen to myself instead of all the noise around me? I wanted to get it right so bad that I didn’t trust myself. The only right way to parent is the way that fits you and your children best. TRUST YOUR OWN GUT! Listen to yourself and what feels right and ignore all those other opinions. And you don’t need to justify to anyone jackshit about how you parent because it’s not their kid. If your kid is healthy and happy they have no business telling you how to parent and you don’t need to explain it to them.
Stay blessed.
Mommyneedsahug over and out!