Being a working mom is hard. Before anyone gets defensive, being a stay at home parent is just as, if not more, difficult. I couldn’t do it and people that do are stronger willed than I am. Stay at home parents do so much for so little recognition most of the time. Being a mom is hard. Being a parent is hard. But the point is, I have learned how difficult being a working mom is. It presents a unique set of struggles. Those challenges starting and ending with other moms feeling the need to make comments about how you work outside of the home and how awful that is for you kids. I will never forget the first time someone made a comment about me “letting someone else raise my child”, because he was going to daycare. What a horrible feeling when you already feel terrible about having to leave your kids.
Anyway, being a working mom is challenging. Somedays the kids just don’t want me to go. Sometimes they scream and yell and beg me to stay home. Sometimes it’s near impossible to walk out that door because my kids are so upset that I’m leaving. It was so incredibly difficult on those days when they were in daycare and they would cling to my leg (Mark mostly) and just keep asking for hugs, and then hearing them scream down the hallway for me. On those days I cry the entire drive into work. I show up to work with a puffy face and red eyes and have to visit the bathroom to try and pull it together and seem tough.
Even more often than those days they don’t want me to leave, are days when they just couldn’t give a crap if I was there or not. On those days I walk past those little faces and I say “goodbye, I love you” desperately hoping that they’ll say it back. Those days I feel like I’m not needed and it crushes me, but on those days I manage to hold it together because at least my babies are happy. I hate thinking about the time I’ve spent away from them, and the time that I still have to face away from them that hasn’t come yet. Every once in a while, on a bad day, I start contemplating about staying home with them. When we were both employed maybe, but that’s no longer realistic because bills don’t pay themselves so I have to keep my job. Also, I immediately follow the thoughts of staying home about how I would possibly maintain my sanity and completely dismiss it. Staying home, as much as I would love to spend more time with the kids, is definitely not for me.
I felt better about working when Joseph was working too. It felt a little less like I was abandoning them. I had my best friend who could relate to the pain and doubt of leaving our kids in someone else’s hands. Now that he’s a stay at home parent, it’s progressively harder to come to terms with working and leaving them. Joe does a great job with them and I appreciate him giving up his career so I could keep mine, but it’s troublesome not having a partner who can relate anymore. Since Joe’s been home I’ve found that my days are consumed more than not, with thoughts of my kids and if they’re mad at me for still working when they get to spend all this time with daddy.
It’s especially arduous looking back on when I was raising them alone and seeing how much they needed me then. They depended on me for everything at one point and it, quite frankly, sucks to see that role being taken on by Joe. Now they depend on him for everything. They depend on him for snacks, drinks, diaper changes, someone to play with them. It’s not me that fixes their boo-boos and their big emotional days and it really hurts. It hurts when Mark calls Joe his best friend, or when they walk right past me to ask for something, because that used to be all on me. I complained about it then, not realizing how much I would miss being depended on for everything. Today we went to get in the car and a sweatshirt I’ve been wearing on and off for 2 days, that Joe has a matching one, Joe decided to wear today. While Mark didn’t bat an eye when I was wearing it, he complimented Joe on it this morning. I know I shouldn’t be so selfish, but those moments really break my heart. I feel like they have a better bond now than I could ever hope to have and it’s crushing. Also this morning getting in the car I said to Joe “I feel like they don’t like me”, because that’s truly how it feels some days. Joe says his usual “that’s not true”, directly followed by Rose screaming “NO MOMMY, DADDY” from the backseat, and cue the waterworks.
Then there’s days when I get home from work and my kids run to the garage door jumping up and down, screaming “MOMMY’S HOME”, and what a spectacular feeling that is, especially in comparison. All those days that they just let me leave with no fuss, because they had daddy, and it broke my heart, doesn’t even matter anymore. In those days when they jump for joy to see me I have to remind myself that they do need me, not just today, but all the time. I’m still the one who gives them baths, brushes their hair, makes sure they brush their teeth, and gives them hugs when they’re feeling down and just need a mommy hug. They still depend on me to kiss their boo-boos and break up their fights. I’m still the one that cooks meals for them and makes sure they have clothes on their back, food in the fridge, and everything they need (and most of what they want). And when the sun sets, I’m still there to put them to bed and tell them I love them, way more night now than not.
Being a mom is hard. We judge ourselves just as much as other moms judge us. We tear ourselves down for all of our choices because it’s what we see all too frequently. Working or staying home, it’s difficult. It’s never going to be easy to be a parent. It’s never going to be easy to be a mom. The reality is it’s always going to be a grueling decision for every single decision we have to make. You can’t always be the superhero, number 1, everything to everyone. You have to do what you have to do to get the bills paid, keep the kids happy, and keep yourself sane. I’m so tired of judging myself for being a working mom because I’m way harder on myself now than anyone else could ever be. I judge myself harsher than any other mom, parent, or coworker could ever judge me. But I’m tired of making myself feel guilty for all my decisions, and like my kids don’t need me. Every time I look back and reflect on these decisions and experiences I’ve had as a mom, I think about how dumb it is that I make myself feel guilty. It’s a work in progress though and I’m probably going to keep doing it to myself even though I’m self-aware that it’s stupid. My kids do need me. They will always need me. I will always be their mommy. And for today, at this moment, I will not make myself feel bad for doing my best. I will not feel guilty for loving them with everything I am, giving them everything they need, and trying to give them a life they’ll look back on fondly. Today I will go for a walk with them, I will give them a bath, I will do silly activities with them, and I will not feel bad for being a working mom.
