When I became a mother I developed this set of rules for people that wanted to deal with them. I’d like to believe all moms have a set of rules and I’m not just a psycho, but who knows. As I’ve grown and changed, and so have my kids and family dynamic, the list gets longer. The more we change as a family, as individuals, and as the world changes, the more rules I add to the list to accommodate. It’s ever changing but some things have always stayed the same.
Unfortunately, I’m extremely non-confrontational and I do notice that people take advantage of that. I don’t stick up for myself and unless it’s a safety issue, I’ll be honest, I usually don’t have the balls to enforce my list of rules. It gets really stressful for me because I’m a people pleaser, I’m not confrontational despite my temper, and even though most everyone knows the rules, they don’t listen to them because they know I won’t say anything to them. This makes for me feeling constantly undermined as a parent, which is frankly, really fucking disrespectful to me.
These rules I have aren’t anything crazy in my opinion, but still, no one cares. Mark is lactose intolerant so we greatly limit his dairy intake, which there are definitely people who are really respectful of that, others sometimes not so much. Mark also has acid reflux, since he was a baby, and projectile vomits when he drinks juices, so he isn’t allowed to have juice or lemonade (unless you’re cleaning up the puke and taking care of the ouchy stomach). Joseph and I don’t even drink soda except for a couple of times a year, and it’s usually ginger ale, so I don’t want my kids drinking soda either. It’s pretty strictly water and milk. They eat enough snacks and sugar with Joseph and I so I LOATHE when people give them sweets, unless they asked permission and I said yes. But again, I’m not confrontational so I usually will say yes because I don’t want to fight with anyone so just please try not to put me in that situation. And I don’t want people overfeeding my kids or giving them a different meal when they won’t eat what they’re given.
Then I have some rules that are just common decency that still, no one gives a shit about. You don’t kiss people’s babies or small children. You just don’t do it, especially now, I don’t what underlying conditions you have or where you’ve been. This applies to family and friends as well, if you didn’t make the baby and you don’t live with it, keep your lips to yourself. There are too many children that catch things and die because of the mindless act of kissing them (this includes kissing head, feet, and hands as well because you never know where there’s a cut and babies put their hands and feet in their mouth). JUST DON’T KISS PEOPLE’S KIDS!
Going along with that, my children don’t, and shouldn’t, have to hug anyone if they aren’t comfortable or don’t want to. This isn’t to say that they don’t like you, they may just not want to hug you and that’s fine. I don’t care if Christ himself wanted a hug. If my children don’t want to hug you, respect that and kick rocks. It’s about them having a say in their own bodies. Something not enough people understand or respect. If they want to give you a hug on Tuesday morning and by Tuesday afternoon they’re more comfortable with a high five, respect that. They are people too and get a say in their bodies.
If you are playing with my kids and they are crying or saying “No”, that means STOP! It doesn’t mean that they need to suck it up or get over it. It means that they are uncomfortable and don’t want to play so knock it off. Again, teaching my children they have control over their own bodies. If you continue even when they’re not comfortable you are telling them that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. If it’s no longer fun for them, then stop.
While Joseph and I believe that these are reasonable. Actually, let me not speak for Joseph on this one. While I believe that these are reasonable guidelines and rules, every single one of them has been ignored far more than once. I mean when you know you can get away with it and I won’t confront you why would you just follow them on your own? It’s not like it’s human decency.
Every time one of my rules is broken I feel less and less respect from the people that break them. I feel invalidated. If you don’t respect the rules I’ve set forth for my kids, you don’t respect me, and you certainly don’t respect my parental authority. I’ve flown off the handle at Joe and cried more times than I can count about being disrespected, because I don’t feel like I can actually speak up to the people that disrespected me about it.
And for anyone that feels targeted by this, who knows me or is just relating this to their own relationships, 1. It’s probably written because of you, or people like you and 2. Me writing this is not trying to take the easy way out, it’s the only way I know how to articulate this without having a panic attack about saying it to anyone in particular. Just because I will not say anything in the moment, or after, does not mean it is right or that it doesn’t bother me when you don’t follow my guidelines. It bothers me more than anyone will ever know and I am tired of not being respected as an adult and a parent. I appreciate everyone who has ever helped us out or continues to help us, but I’d also like you to not take advantage of me not being confrontational.
Moral of the story, follow a parents rules for dealing with their kids. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s stupid or unreasonable, they aren’t your kids and it’s common decency, even if they don’t enforce it with you.
Much love, your friendly motherhood introvert.
