To say that I have spread myself thin for too long would be a vast understatement. The pressures of being a mom, friend, daughter, sister, wife, student, and employee had me feeling like I had to do everything for everyone regardless if they would do the same for me when I needed them. Those are the expectations society has set for mothers. To do it all and expect nothing in return, or else you’re selfish or greedy. Do it all, no matter the cost to your physical or mental health. Like Nike, just do it.
For years I have pushed aside what I wanted or needed for my health and put the needs of everyone else ahead of me. (I also have a bit of a mind that needs a million things going on to function like a human now.)
It has caught up to me though. Years of not setting boundaries and doing too much at once has definitely caught up to me. My body and mind has let me know lately.
I have been sleeping more days than not through the school drop-off routine. I feel terrible about it because that means Joe has to pick up my slack. Which makes me feel so guilty because I’m the stay at home parent and I should be doing that. I should be on top of it. I have been just extremely exhausted though. Between various types of meetings, schoolwork, being mom from 9-9, being a homemaker in general, a caregiver to a kid with PKU, and trying to juggle everything I have put on my plate, I just can’t wake up in the morning and I’m exhausted all day. Mentally and physically. My mind is foggy and unfocused. Sometimes life doesn’t even feel real.
I’ve also been getting sick a lot and my body just feels like crap. I haven’t been nourishing myself the way I need to, especially with breastfeeding.
Every time I try to take more than 5 minutes where someone isn’t talking to or touching me someone tells me “YOU DON’T LIKE ME MOMMY!”
Pretty sure everyone in my family outside of my kids and husband hates me but won’t actually speak their mind to me. Not that it would make a difference. I feel no connection to anyone outside of this house anymore. Everyone seemed to have stopped caring a long time ago about me or my family, at least at more than a surface level. But if I bring it up its going to be reversed so that I’m the bad guy. I’ve always been the one in the wrong and I’ll wear that one if it makes everyone else feel better. That’s something I can’t entertain anymore. This needs to be the year that I put myself first. (2024 I mean)
If you’ve gotten through all my downtrodden musings, this is the good part of the life update.
I have had so much fun reconnecting with my kids. I have had so much learning about who they are now and what they like. I’ve gotten to see so much growth in them. We’ve been spending more time outside and doing things. We’ve been spending more quality time together and I have found the joy in playing with my kids. They light up when they get to explain something to me or when we spend time doing the simple things. Like I’ve been taking one kid at a time with me to the grocery store and they LOVE it. They always pick out one thing for themselves and a lot of the time they pick something out for everyone else. The kids are starting to build a really strong bond and working on empathy.
And my favorite part of the Christmas season this year is not only going through the motions of what I know makes it special for the kids, but also focusing on what we can do to make it special for me and Joe. We are trying to refind the magic of Christmas for ourselves. We put Christmas lights out this year. Not a lot. Nothing crazy. Just some driveway lights. They don’t even go down the whole driveway, but they make us both really happy.
That’s the good that comes from hitting rock bottom and not having anyone else. You get to enjoy what you do have without spreading yourself to thin and making your own traditions.
I’m grateful for everything I’ve had, everything I have, and everything I will have. Because that’s growth baby. Everything happens for a reason.
Here’s to getting catching up on a seven-year sleep deficit and finding the best version of myself.