I’ve been trying to focus on myself more, without feeling guilty about it. It’s really hard. It’s hard to not feel like there is something else I should be doing. Like playing with the kids, or cleaning the house, or just generally being a more attentive wife and mother. I spent so much time in my life making sure that everyone else’s needs were met that I let my needs and dreams fall to the wayside.
Recently, I had a conversation with an old friend who reminded me of a dream I once had. I wanted to go to Yale and be a journalist. I completely forgot about that until I talked to them. I guess it’s funny how things come full circle like that, in that now I’m writing my own blog. Anyway, I once had this desire to be a writer, and somewhere along the way that got lost. Instead, I focused on everyone else and what would please other people. I’ve spent a lot of my time doing that. Putting work ahead of family, putting family wants and needs ahead of my own etc.
I attended every single family gathering at the expense of my own mental health, no matter how far it was. I spent years not buying myself new clothes so that I could buy the kids new clothes, that if I’m being honest, they didn’t actually need but I thought were cute. I wore the same two pairs of sweatpants in an endless cycle to where when I wore jeans recently my mom was shocked. I had panic attacks spending my own money on things for myself. I once bought a pair of Michael Kors boots for myself as a push present and had a panic attack and cried for hours about how terrible of a wife and mother I was because I could have spent that money on something for Mark or Joe. I never went out alone, not even for a second. If the kids wanted my food I gave it to them. If one of the kids or Joe was hungry and giving up my portion meant that there wasn’t enough for me to eat I wouldn’t think twice about sacrificing it. I stayed late at work to finish work that wasn’t necessary to complete at that moment. I let Joe try and try again at college and tried to motivate him through it while he neglected his schoolwork, tossing aside my own desire to go back to school.
I’ve been trying to focus on myself now. It’s my time to give myself some time. I started college again. I realized that even if Joe was starting college again, I really wanted this for myself. I’m pursuing a degree in Early Childhood Education. I want to be the change that I wish I saw when Mark had his accidents in daycare. I want to help children, and I want to teach.
The past couple of years I’ve bought myself a new pair of Timberlands for Christmas. The first time was difficult. I panicked and thought about returning them. The next time wasn’t as difficult. I loved them and they brought me joy. This past summer I upgraded my whole wardrobe. I had second thoughts, but Joe told me I deserved it. I sat there for hours trying to convince myself I did deserve it and that the kids had everything they needed and more. I still wear my sweatpants, but it’s nice to have clothes that fit my style.
I did a boudoir shoot and a Halloween boudoir mini shoot. It felt great. I got a level of confidence from it that I’m so grateful for. I chopped off all my hair. This was a big one for me. I remember when I first cut my hair short and Joe came home and he was so mad about it. I knew I had wanted to shave my head but kept pushing it off because I wanted Joe to be proud of showing me off. I grew my hair out because it’s what I thought he wanted. When I finally did shave my head I did it for myself and it was liberating. I felt like myself for the first time in a long time. I put off getting tattoos so that Joe could get tattoos or so that the kids could get the newest best toy that they wanted. I finally started getting tattoos again and boy does it feel good.
Now this one is going to sound funny, but I’ll give a little back story. In my PPD group, we had talked about how moms tend to plan their self-care around the big things. We set aside larger chunks of time to get our nails done, or take a long bath, or do other things of that nature. It’s not always about the big things though. We should be taking small bits of time throughout the week to take care of ourselves. I’m trying to adopt that idea a little more. I’ve been going to Wawa a few times a week and getting a drink or a snack for myself and just sitting in the parking lot for 3-5 minutes enjoying what I bought. The first time I did it I got a bunch of snacks to share with Joe and the kids, but I got myself toasted ravioli and I sat in the car and ate them, and I DIDN’T SHARE! It seems silly, but that was such a big thing for me. I always share everything with everyone and to not do that was so refreshing. I fed my body and in turn fed my mind by taking those few minutes to make sure I was taken care of first. It was really nice.
A big one for me right now is realizing that my job is just a job. I don’t know why there’s an expectation that I need to bring my work home or try and forget that I have a family so that I’m a model employee. That’s not realistic. I do have a family, and this is just a job. I will take my kids to their appointments. I will pick my kids up from school. Work should stay at work and I don’t know when it became a thing that we are expected to turn our job into our whole life. It’s a job. It pays the bills and feeds my family, but it doesn’t get to take over my whole life.
There have been some challenges to trying to focus on me. I sometimes feel like a bad person for even needing that time, I sometimes feel like it’s selfish, but I’ve been trying to give myself some grace. Taking care of myself does not make me a bad mom or wife, it makes me human. I’m starting to feel like myself again and that’s great.
