Being a parent is hard. Being a mother is hard enough. People that do anything to make that even a little more difficult make more of a difference than they know. People who make mothers doubt themselves anymore than they already do, make more of an impact than they know. Mothers are their own worst critics. We already know the majority of our flaws. The spots that we are falling short. So when people point out things that make you doubt yourself in something you didn’t previously doubt yourself, it sticks. When people do things to make life a little more inconvenient, it sticks.
I think I mentioned before that a few years ago, before I got pregnant with Joey, we were staying at a hotel with the kids. While walking through the lobby this old woman starts talking to us. It seemed innocent enough, some small talk. She asked us how old our kids were to which I responded honestly. I told her they were 3 and 1 or whatever age they were at the time. She responded to that with “you need to get a TV”. Now Joseph didn’t even realize what she meant by this, but I did. It’s not the first time an old woman has said something of the nature to me, because for whatever reason old women are very, very bold when it comes to mothers. So then I had to explain to Joseph what this woman was saying to us. It isn’t even that big of a deal, but it stuck with me. It was an unnecessary judgment that made me question if I was doing something wrong as a mother because we had our kids close together. It contributed to my reasoning as to why I did not want to tell anyone when we found out we were having Joey.
It’s things like this all the time. The comments, the judgment, that make being a mother harder because it causes more questioning and criticism on yourself. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve heard “you’ve got your hands full” after telling people how close in age the kids are. I know I’m busy. I live it. I know already. And I LOVE IT! I love how close the kids are in age. because they’re best friends. Regardless, it still sticks in the back of my brain every time someone says it.
Then, just last weekend we took the kids to the zoo. As we were walking out I said to Joe “let’s go to the gift shop. We never do that and I want this trip to be different than the other times we’ve come to the zoo.” It was perfect because Mark had wanted to take pictures with me in the picture booth at the zoo before we left but it wasn’t working. So we scampered over to the gift shop like the curious little squirrels we are. We walked in and I told the kids they could get one thing. They had that like typical gift shop rock stand thing and bags of dirt to do that mining thing. Mark absolutely loves rocks so I was like “cool! Mark do you want rocks or something for your collection?” He was super excited about it and started filling up his bag with rocks he thought was pretty. And over walks this middle aged woman with like a preteen kid and she says “wow they can really sell anything these days. Rocks. Dirt. Just put a price tag on it”.
Now I know that some people probably wouldn’t care. But that echoes in my head. I keep hearing that lady saying that in her condescending tone. I did something to make my children happy and I got scrutinized for it. I couldn’t even find the words to say when she said it I was so shocked. I just looked at her and then kept helping Mark put his rocks in his bag. Now looking back on it though I can’t wrap my head around it. I just can’t. Yes, to some people it seems dumb to buy rocks, I get that. But what that lady didn’t know is how happy they made him. She didn’t know how much he loves rocks. She didn’t know that when he got in the car he said “now my rock collection is complete”, with a smile. She judged another mother over something that didn’t concern her at all and acted like those rocks stands haven’t been around for decades. It took zero effort to keep her mouth shut and judgment to herself, but she just had to make me doubt myself as a mother about buying something for my child that put a smile on his face.
There is absolutely no reason for judging another mother outside of her putting her children in actual danger. I wish that people could keep their judgment to themselves, because mothers are their own harshest critic and we don’t need any outside comments to make us critique ourselves anymore than we do. Just keep it to yourself. Just like your mothers taught you “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all”.
Those of us with kids know we have our hands full. We know our kids are close in age. We know we’re busy. We know buying rocks seems stupid to you. We know. You don’t need to point it out. We know exactly what you mean when you make these comments. They are back handed and condescending 99 percent of the time. Don’t think that we don’t get it, because we do. We all do. All you do by doing this is make someone feel bad about themselves and potentially cause them to keep things to themselves that they would otherwise love to share. Motherhood is supposed to bond mothers together and instead it feels like for a lot of women it’s more about tearing people apart and making them and their parenting choices feel less than. Be better, do better, and treat others the way you want to be treated.
