The past couple of weeks have been hard for me. It seems like a lot of weeks have been hard for me in 2023.
On December 6, I had a positive pregnancy test. We hadn’t been trying. My cycle and ovulation has been incredibly irregular so we weren’t that worried about it. See those two lines took me by surprise and I definitely panicked. By the next day I had set up bloodwork to be sure and I had started to get pretty excited at the idea of having another baby even though it wasn’t planned or expected. Joe was pretty happy and it made it easy to get excited.
By the night of December 7 I started spotting and was having pretty bad cramps. I was pretty aware what that meant. Even so, I remained hopeful and carried on. By December 8 I was having debilitating cramps and heavier bleeding so I called my OB. They told me to schedule bloodwork and they would call me on Monday to discuss the results.
The bleeding stopped on Saturday after bloodwork and I got excited again. Maybe it was implantation bleeding, maybe it was something else. In the back of my mind I still had a lot of worry about the cramping and a potential ectopic pregnancy, cysts, or something else entirely. I impatiently waited for my results, checking every 15 minutes to see if I had them yet.
Sunday morning came and the results were ready and waiting for me.
I opened up the file and it read “467” for my HCG.
I got so happy. There was HCG so surely that meant something good. But then I checked previous HCG levels from other pregnancies and they were much higher so I was still worried, but hopeful.
Come Monday the OB calls and says to get a second round of bloodwork to make sure they went up. I immediately book an appointment for the next day. I went and aside from a snide comment about my tattoos from the technician taking my blood, all went well. Then I started bleeding really heavily again and really lost all hope.
The following day, December 14, the results come back.
256
I definitely know what that means. I was overwhelmed with anger. I couldn’t understand why. The doctor called and confirmed what I already knew but told me to go get more bloodwork on Monday and then see them on Tuesday, today the 19th.
I know it’s unwise, but I didn’t go. I booked the bloodwork and the OB and didn’t show up to either. I couldn’t do it. It just seemed too tough to prolong what had happened and go to the doctor and answer questions and the whole thing. It just seemed like ripping open a wound that I was already working to heal. So I didn’t go.
This experience this time made me realize just how strong I am though. I was actively miscarrying but I had to carry on with my life. I had schoolwork to be done. I had Christmas things to do. I had school events and meetings that I had to go to. We had events that we had planned to do with the kids and a holiday season that I had to make magical. Not to mention taking care of the four wonderful children I already have at home. Despite being in physical and emotional turmoil, I kept going.
Just know that you are not alone if you experience this. You are strong. You are amazing. You will get through it. You always have someone to talk to even if you don’t realize it sometimes. Let yourself whatever you feel. Whether that is anger, sadness, confusion, or any other emotion. Feel it all and then work to heal. This goes for anything you go through.
I am strong. I am amazing. I am getting through it. I have so much support from friends, my kids, and Joe. I am so so blessed. Right now I am still angry, sad, and confused but I will heal in due time. Until then, I will embrace what I have, which is a wonderful family, friends that care, and the happy moments. Christmas time is a great time for remembering what matters and I am glad to be losing myself in it this year.
Here’s to a better 2024! Happy Holidays!