It’s been so long since I’ve gotten on here. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I’ve had some good, some bad, some indifferent. I’m working on finding myself as a person, as well as finding and bettering myself as a mother. Really trying to discover who I am and reacquainting myself with a piece of me that I never thought I’d find again. This might get a little heavy, who knows? Not me. Without further adieu, ladies and gentleman, her.
When I started this blog it was supposed to be like a diary for me. I was writing in my journal a lot. I was completely lost and writing down all my thoughts as they crossed my mind in my journal as I sat, pregnant and useless, at work. I was using this to get my thoughts out in hopes that it would help me calm down when I needed to. Along the way it has turned into something different. It’s still like a diary to me, but I write a lot less because I started putting my self discovery into action instead of just talk. I don’t get to write my thoughts as much at work, or really even at all. I’ve discovered a lot about myself since I started. And when I started the blog the name “mommy needs a hug” could not have rung more true. And while I still want a hug very frequently, it’s less of a need to keep myself grounded and more just wanted to spend time with my family and have that close knit relationship with my kids and husband.
With that said lets get to the good stuff. My self discovery journey.
It all started on a warm summer day 27 years ago. I made my way into the world and… oh wait, sorry, wrong story. That’s a story for another day.
Over the past few months I have made a lot of realizations about myself which have helped me blossom into the sexy, (more) mentally stable bitch that I am today. Lets all get acquainted. Hello audience I am Sammi, a mother, a wife, a drop dead gorgeous bitch in a kickass body with a whole lot of intelligence and a great imagination who crafts and likes cake. What’s good? I also get beat up by a lot of small creatures so I got that going for me too.
I got to this point where I just couldn’t keep living my life the way that I was living it. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was outside of being a mom and wife and it was killing me. My light was no longer just dimming it was all but burnt out. I spent all this time tending to everyone else. Listening to everyone else vent. Making sure that everyone was fed, clothed, had all they wanted and needed, and more. I was bending over backwards for everyone at home and at work and didn’t know where I fit into my own life anymore. I sat down with Joe several times and told him how I felt. I told him how it wasn’t really fair that I didn’t know who I was at all and didn’t even know what I liked to do but he had all these things he did for himself. I was coming home from work and cooking dinner, doing dishes, taking out trash, feeding the baby, doing laundry and I was burnt out and lost. And thus my journey began.
I guess it really started when I started prioritizing my mental health, but starting to learn how to handle my mental health helped me make some self realizations that started my journey.
At some point in time a switch flipped and I decided to put me first and meet myself again. I started talking about a new wardrobe. I’ve been living in strictly sweatpants for so long that when I put on a pair of jeans my mom said “wow I can’t remember the last time I saw you in jeans”. Like I have this whole style closet in my head but I never bought clothes because I felt like that money needed to go to something else. Every time I thought about buying myself clothes, or shoes, or anything for me I felt guilty and ended up buying close for the kids, or toys for the kids, or something for the house. But I brought it up one day and I started looking at clothes and I got myself some bathing suits. Then I made this whole wish list and Joe bought me the whole thing as a present. He said “you deserve it more than anyone”. And I kept saying “no I don’t why would you do that that money could have gone to so many other things”. I even called my mom and I told her I don’t deserve it why would he do that? She told me I absolutely deserve it and it’s time to make myself a priority. I got the clothes in the mail, tried them on, and I felt good. I felt like…me. My style is like boho, alternative, mom chic. I don’t even know, but I felt like me. Then I looked in the mirror and felt bad because this body didn’t look like what I wanted it to.
Joe and I decided that we were going to get matching rainbow dinosaur tattoos “someday”. Literally just because I saw something on Facebook and we went from there. At some point it turned into a serious thing and alas we now both have rainbow dinosaur tattoos with top hat and mustaches and the pink ink on their scales being named “Ass”. So there’s that. Thank you Carly for putting up with us acting like crazy people and just being ourselves as we were away from our kids for the first time in a long time. I don’t know what was in that ink but MAN it made me feel like a million bucks. I got my smile back. I got my soul back. I was just living a life outside of being completed submerged in motherhood and work.
That was just the beginning. I saw a giveaway for a boudoir shoot. Now I had been debating with myself for months on end about doing a boudoir shoot. I almost booked a mini and then didn’t because I felt like my body wasn’t where I wanted it to be, and I felt like I didn’t deserve to spend money on myself because what kind of mom would I be to spend money on myself? I felt so guilty about potentially booking a boudoir shoot and spending that money on something for me alone. Because if I do buy something for myself usually it’s actually something for the whole family so I don’t feel as bad or have a panic attack about spending money on myself. Anyway, now that I’ve gone on a tangent, back on track. I had reached out previously about a boudoir shoot and backed out, but I had already took that “first step” and gotten the new clothes. So when I saw this giveaway it was like a sign that it was time and I was ready. I didn’t win the giveaway, but I decided to book a shoot anyway. And boy! How empowering! What an amazing experience that I 100 percent suggest every woman, man, genderfluid, anyone do at least once in their life. (Shout out to Boudies by Katiemayclicks for her absolutely amazing work and being such a kind, genuine human being. I will never be able to thank you enough.) It was this like moment of clarity of who I was outside of a mother. I got to see my body as the amazing thing it is. I got to see myself smile a genuine smile for the first time in a really long time.
I’ve been stuck on this post for weeks because right after I started writing I hit a rough patch of life. So in conclusion, I have found a little piece of my personality again. I am not just a mother. I am a complex human being who has wants, needs, a personality. I have a lot more work to do and I hope to get past this Hell soon that just keeps plaguing me. As always, thanks for your support. I had so much more to say but I just can’t do it right now and don’t want to hold off any longer on posting this.