I feel alone.
When I first became a mother I completely lost myself in motherhood. I threw myself into 110% from the beginning. I enjoy being a mom. I truly enjoy being a mom and I absolutely believe that I was put on this Earth to be a mother. But I jumped in head first into the ocean of motherhood and I just got crushed by a wave some time on the way in and never came back up for air. From the moment I became a mother all I have been is a devoted wife and mother. I became a crappy friend to a lot of people and I have no idea what I like to do for myself because I just gave up on it. I got so focused on being a mom that I think I gave away a piece of myself. I feel like a lot of mothers do the same thing. We get caught up in this cycle of being everything for everyone else that we just never catch up enough to be something for ourselves. And like I said I love being a mom, I just feel a little lost right now.
I have watched my husband consistently pursue some hobby that he is interested in for himself. I guess it’s just easier being a dad in that way. You can put in a lot less effort as a father and get absolutely praised, but being a mother you constantly give your all and manage a home, a job, kids, and a husband and you get told to try harder. (In our household it’s not that off balanced anymore with Joe staying home, but that’s a year out of the 4.5 years we have been parents.) It’s a lot easier to take time for yourself and have a hobby when you get praised and worshipped by everyone for doing the bare minimum of parenting.
It’s great for Joe that he gets to do something for himself because I acknowledge that he needs time away too. It’s important for him to get out of the house and enjoy himself, kid-free. But we became parents and he was completely centered on himself and his own free time. He constantly had a hobby he was doing. Or more than one hobby. I watched him do hockey, golf, read, go drinking with friends, go to hockey games, and smoke cigars. He always has something or is talking to me about how he wants to go do something. He even gets time to do things to better himself. He got to go to therapy, he had an internship, and he has college classes. And all of those things take a lot of alone time for him to succeed in too. I have sat back and watched him through all his hobbies, constantly encouraged him when he took time for himself, and just generally been supportive for all these years. I have helped him through some really hard times to help him into a better headspace. I have done everything I could possibly do to support him and be the best wife and mother I could be. But in turn, I never got afforded those same opportunities. I never got the same support to do things for myself. I never got the time to do anything for myself. My “free” time has consisted of laundry, dishes, keeping a clean home, and being a mother and wife for years. I lost myself and never got the time to figure out what I like to do for me, as an adult. I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago and I have no idea what I like to do for me anymore.
I briefly had a time in Boston where I went out once a month (probably closer to every 2 months) after work if we got done early on a Friday, and had 2 or 3 beers with one of my closest work friends. I have on and off for several years had running, but it hasn’t really been that enjoyable anymore. Those were the only times I got even remotely close to doing something for me. Unfortunately, our marriage was not in a great spot at that time so it was always an issue when I did something for me and turned into a fight. It sucked having that double standard pushed at me, constantly pointing out the double standard and fighting about it, and then nothing changing. It was always him going out but that one hour every few months for me always started a fight. Without fail. And then I would say I needed time for me and he would say “well you can go out, you never go out, I don’t know why you don’t go out”.
The past 7 months of our marriage since he started therapy have been the absolute best months of our marriage thus far. Things have definitely gotten way better as a whole and before anyone gets it twisted, we have both always loved and love each other very much despite our issues. Marriage is work and we were and are willing to work for it and evolve to get ourselves into the best spot we can which is why our marriage is doing so much better now. However, I still feel alone sometimes. There is still this double standard that we are constantly trying to even up the score. I still watch him go about his activities, having this abundance of time to himself, while I am still surrounded constantly by nothing other than being a mom and wife. I don’t get any option to be anything else, and at this point I truly don’t even know what I’d do.
The past week and a half for me has been *rough*. I have been in my thoughts and feelings a lot these past couple weeks and trying to communicate my needs with Joe. It’s been tough seeing Joe go out to the backyard or the garage to shoot golf balls for hours and do other stuff alone while I sit in the house alone with three kids. I’ve been spending a lot of time just me and the kids, which these days just looks like baby Joey on my chest while I yell at the other two to be quiet so he doesn’t wake up. It makes me feel really alone when I’m going on three hours in the house by myself trying to juggle getting things for Mark and Rose with a baby that doesn’t want to be put down but doesn’t want me to move either. It has gotten to the point a few times in the past week that I’ve spent so much time alone that even with him right next to me I still feel alone. And the more alone I feel, the more alone I feel, and the more I want to be alone. If that makes sense. I haven’t gotten a chance to practice self care or do some kind of hobby, and I need to. I need a hobby to do just for me. I need something that I enjoy doing.
Please don’t get me wrong I love that Joe gets time for himself, because he needs it too. I just sometimes feel like my concerns and thoughts go unlistened to. And he is a lot more understanding than before and he’s working on it and trying to understand that I need time. Like right now. He took the baby and put the kids for a nap and told me to take some time for me. But in the back of my head I know before I finish writing this someone in this house is going to need me and then this time is over and I won’t get another chance. And he definitely still gets swept up in himself sometimes. It’s also really hard when I don’t know what I like to do.
Those times when the lonely feeling washes over me and I’m feeling overwhelmed in it, I start thinking about how there aren’t a lot of people who help us. I watch so many people with kids who are constantly surrounded by help. Even military families they have friends around that offer help even when they’re 5+ hours away from their families. All these people around me that have a village. They have friends, family, in-laws, and coworkers always willing to help, doing things with them, and it hurts me. Where is my village? Why does no one want to help? Why can’t I make friends when we move? What’s wrong with me that no one wants to be in my village?
I find myself having to remind myself that I might not have a village but I have Joe, my mom, and my dad now. I haven’t always, but I do now. Joe hasn’t always been around, and my dad can’t always be here, but I always have my mom. She always offers her help and in the past 4.5 years that I’ve been a parent she is the one constant in my life, even when Joe wasn’t around to be. She has helped me so much and even drove the two hours to get here and watch the kids so that Joe could do his homework during a rough patch in classes while I had to go to work. She drives two hours damn near every weekend to see us and the kids to the point they think she lives here. I may not have a village, but I’m grateful to have anyone at all. I’m grateful for my mom and I’m grateful for my tiny little tribe.
Still, I feel alone, and it’s not all the time, but recently it’s been a lot more. I feel unwanted by anyone outside of that tiny little tribe I mentioned.
I desperately desire a break. I desperately desire a village who readily offers their help. They say it takes a village to raise a child, so why don’t we get one? Why do we feel like we have to beg people to be involved in our and our children’s lives? I’m jealous. It comes down to that. I’m jealous of people who know what they like to do, they have help that gives them the chance to do it, and they get to take those breaks that I desperately desire.
I love my kids. I love being a mom more than anything I’ve ever done in my life, but I want that. I want to stop being alone, or feeling alone. I want more help. I don’t want to cry on the couch, or in the bathroom to Joe so the kids don’t hear, because of my lack of support. My lack of a village.
And it’s a huge slap in the face to see so many people take their village for granted. I see all these people who have this huge support system. They have all this help, and then they still complain about how they don’t have any. How they don’t get any breaks when I see them all the time, or what feels like all the time to me, taking time for themselves. And I know some people have even less support than me so I don’t take it for granted, (and I hope one day those people with less support than me find their village too.) Any help I receive I am beyond grateful for, which is why I’m so thankful for my parents and Joe because they do offer a lot of help in the grand scheme.
Maybe I’ll never have that village though, that huge support system. Maybe it’s the nature of being in the military for us and people see traveling to us no matter where we are as a burden. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I guess I’ll just have to keep working on it, trying to find hobbies, and trying to find my village if I’m meant to have one.
