This is a topic that was requested, so I am going to try and do this sooner rather than later. I would like to make a disclaimer that this is my personal experience as a mother of four, and this will not apply best for everyone. I did struggle with PPD, postpartum rage and PPA, so that is also a factor in my answer. These are more common than some people think so look up the signs of these and resources to help in those cases as well. If you need help finding resources I can help look for some. One thing that helped me was finding an online support group. It allowed me to talk to people who went through similar struggles and also gave me a break from the stress of postpartum while Joe was with the kids when I went to the group. I think it is important to do thorough research into your partner’s love language and the ways that they personally feel supported. I will also be enlisting my husband’s help to talk about this one because he has the partner perspective that I think could help in this case.
How exactly should you support your partner postpartum? We all know that they just pushed out a human being, and their body is healing and not the same. This means that physically you should support your partner by caring for them and the baby when you can. Feed the baby if or when you can. Change diapers often. Bring your partner food and water to help them nourish their bodies whether they are breastfeeding or not. There are times where I needed physical support. I would be in the bathroom and need help to get up or need something that wasn’t within reach. It is so important to be there and help instead of letting your partner struggle. When I did not have help in these times I would go into an emotional spiral where I struggled with anxiety, anger, and just overall panic. Helping with the physical things like chores, your partner’s needs, and the baby’s needs are a great way to try and minimize the amount of emotional turmoil they will endure in the postpartum stage. One of my largest sources of emotional struggle was the overwhelming mental load of housework that I had to do. Do things around the house or with the baby before they have to ask. If you know it’s time for the baby to have a diaper, change it (Download and app and track feedings and diapers if you need to). If you know the dishes are piled up in the sink, wash them. If there is laundry that needs to be done, do it. Don’t make them carry the mental load of having to ask. When I had to ask I usually ended up doing it myself because it was easier and then in the long run it made my physical recovery slower and made me angry and resentful.
*Postpartum is not just having a newborn. You are not fully back to your “normal” self until two years postpartum. Remember that these things do not just end after a few months. This really just ties into being a supportive spouse in general*
With the physical changes come emotional struggles, but there are also hormones raging and other potential struggles that emotional support is necessary to offer in the postpartum period. Regarding the physical changes, something that helped me was having my husband reassure me that my body is still amazing and perfect. Having him let me know that he is still attracted to me even though my body is different, broken, and beaten in many ways.
Something else that proved helpful was communication. This seems like a no-brainer, but I will give a specific example. We sometimes do a “feelings check-in”. This is where we sit down with each other. Joe and I will discuss how we are feeling periodically and what we can do to better support each other. I do think that during these check-ins it is important to not minimize your own feelings and hold them in. Be honest, but also understand that they did just push out a baby and have hormones changing so while your feelings are valid and need attention too, they should not always take the priority during these talks.
Validate your partner’s emotions. Don’t make them feel bad or crazy for feeling a certain way. It might seem irrational that they are crying because of something minuscule, but that is how they feel. I’ll bring up an example. I have had a complete breakdown postpartum over being unable to find my shoe. Like I would be crying, shaking, angry over it not being where I left it. Is this rational? No. No it’s not. But would it be helpful if Joe told me I was being stupid and walked away? No. No it would not be. It was more helpful when he would hold me while I cried, tell me that he would help me, and then help. Or another time he would tell me to go sit down and relax and he would find whatever it was himself.
Give your partner time for self care. This looks different for everyone. If they like to take baths and showers, let them do that. I know for me having the energy to gather the items and actually do it were a lot emotionally so I just wouldn’t. A way to make it easier is to gather everything: towel, soap, start the water, find them clothes, all of those things. This takes away that stress and makes it easier for them to want to engage in self care. If their self care is getting their hair done, make an appointment and stay home with the baby while they go. And then LEAVE THEM ALONE! I cannot stress this enough. If they are engaging in self care and you are constantly asking them questions it is not helpful and makes the entire experience stressful and irritating. You do not need to call them every 15 seconds. Take pictures of the baby while they are gone so you have them but you do not need to send them unsolicited. Let them be themselves for that time and unwind.
This is something that I will stress, whether postpartum or not. Get set up with a therapist. Have your partner get set up with a therapist. This becomes increasingly important if they show signs of PPD or other postpartum issues. You should also have a therapist. Or set up couple’s counseling. Your marriage does not need to be in trouble to go to couple’s counseling. It is super helpful. Having a child is a big change for both of you, whether it is your first or fourth.
My last suggestion is to take pictures of her with the baby. Something that always made me really sad was looking back and having no pictures of me with the kids. This doesn’t mean take pictures and never show her (Joe!). Share them with her.
Overall, just be there for them. Hold them when they need to cry. Let them feel their feelings. Be there. Be present. This was something that really helped after the baby’s PKU diagnosis. I felt really guilty and sad that I did this to our child. The most helpful thing at that time was Joe holding me while I cried, rubbing my back, and talking to me about my feelings.
Joe’s Input
Joe agreed with all the above. He also put in some suggestions. He said, if she wants the baby, give her the baby. If she needs a break, take the baby. Let her sleep and recover. (I’ll add on to this a bit because now that he brought it up I have direct examples. In the mornings he will take the kids, get in the car, and go get coffee while I sleep. This is SO helpful. He also does the majority of the night feedings and diaper changes. I breastfeed the baby all day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, sometimes more. It is so helpful when he does the night shift, even part of the night, and lets me sleep.) Another suggestion he gave was in regard to visitors. If there is someone who wants to visit that brings either of you stress, take the lead and tell them they can’t come. Make up a reason if you have to. Eliminate unnecessary stress because if those visitors are bringing stress without offering something helpful, they are just there for the baby and that is not helpful for anyone honestly. Take time to enjoy each other and the baby. Be there to help when you can. Process your emotions together and separately.
I hope this is helpful. Feel free to message me, leave a comment, send me an email if you have questions, need clarification, if you want to tell me I got this wrong, or if you have other topic suggestions.
I can also find some resources for anyone if you just ask. I like researching. I also may have some resources on hand that I can post another time.
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