I have absolutely terrible separation anxiety when it comes to my kids. Quite frankly, it sucks. I don’t want to feel guilty leaving them for me time, or have panic attacks in the supermarket worrying about if they’re ok. Everyone needs a break occasionally to collect themselves, practice self-care, and just generally do something for themselves. I know that I also need to do that, but I struggle with it so much. The second I step out of the house for anything other than work, I have a panic attack. Particularly if Joseph and I are going somewhere together without the kids.
I’m not even exaggerating, it’s literally the second I step out of the house. My mom can attest to that. A few weeks ago she was visiting and Joseph and I went to Rita’s while she watched the kids and before we even got out of the driveway I asked her to send me pictures of the kids. And it’s not that I don’t trust my mom to watch the kids, which I’m sure occasionally is how she feels. I just start playing out every possible worst case scenario in my head when I leave.
I walk out of the house and start thinking about what if someone breaks in while we’re gone, or the kids fall and hit their head. What happens if I’m in the middle of grocery shopping and my kid breaks their leg? I run through all the scenarios every single time. And I try not to. Obviously nothing has happened to them while I’ve been gone yet, but I can’t help but panic.
I haven’t spent more than an hour without my kids, aside from work, more than one time. Joseph and I went on a cruise in February 2019, and that was the only time I’ve been away from them for something even resembling self-care. I’ve gone to a school for work which was two weeks, but even then they drove all the way down to see me because I couldn’t take it anymore. I just can’t bring myself to take time away from them for myself, and it’s exhausting sometimes.
I really can’t pinpoint the exact reason I feel this way. I feel like maybe there’s just a combination of a lot of things that have put me into this spot. Between the experience Mark had at the daycare when we first moved here, the state of the world, mom guilt, or just the way I’m built, I think I have a reasonable explanation for feeling this way, but sometimes I feel bad like I’m being excessive. It’s really hard for me to justify taking time for myself the longer that I push it off also. The longer it’s on the back burner the more I think “well I’ve done it without a break this long I can just keep going”.
Joseph gets some breaks though. And I know that it’s by my own fault that I don’t get breaks, but it still really frustrates me that he gets to take a break. Honestly, it’s not fair of me to get irritated with it though because he’s a stay at home parent and he deserves a break too. I’m glad that he gets those occasional moments away for himself whether it be golfing, grocery shopping, going to get coffee, or just other little things to do. He needs it. It just gets to me that I need it too, but I can’t just go out and relax. I can’t just sneak away and worry about myself, by fault of my own.
Not getting a break makes me very on edge sometimes. And that makes me feel even worse, because then I lose my patience with the kids, and with Joe. No matter what I do I feel guilty, and like a bad mom. No matter what time I try to take for myself, I feel wrong, I go through the worst case scenario of me not being there for them. I honestly even do it for the very few solitary moments that I take to do things around the house, or write this blog. I worry about them getting hurt or something happening to them while I’m distracted, even though I know Joseph is with them.
One day I hope that I can get myself into a spot where I don’t constantly worry about everything. A spot where I can go to the grocery store without worrying about how they’re doing or if they’re ok. I’d love to go on an actual date with my husband instead of only being able to bear the 30-45 minutes it takes us to drive and get ice cream and come home. I hope one day, and one day soon, I can learn to let go a little and give myself the break I need, for my mental health and for my family. They deserve a refreshed, fully focused mama/wife, instead of a ball of stress, guilt, and panic. It’s an everyday struggle and I hope soon I can get there.